I reviewed your paper and you should have received an e-mail with a link to a copy of it with my comments. Also if you sign in to Google and go to Google Docs you should see this document.
Hi, I'm Magaly and I'm reviewing your essay blog. First off, the introduction is decent, but i would simplify the thesis statement a bit. Maybe you can just sum up the some of the words as "Fashion Apparel" and then you can go specific in the body paragraphs.
In the first body paragraph, you seem to mention too consistently that "these are ways to identify a man." You state this fact twice in the 1st sentence and so forth throughout that paragraph. Focusing more on describing the picture could have helped. I also think that you should have stated that the guy in the picture was actually Masculine, because not all men are. Some are flamboyant or a little more feminine. By mentioning this, it avoids the question "what about lesbians that dress up like guys?." Good strong point is that you were pretty detailed. The 2nd body paragraph is a little disorganized in the grammatical sense. It kind of makes it a little difficult for me to understand, but i do understand that you are describing the photograph. This is something i would have put in the 1st body paragraph. i don't really get the comparison in the last sentence. 3rd body paragraph also needs grammatical revision because although i get the gist of what you're saying, it's not quite clear. The conclusion was pretty strong, but again grammar is key to making it stronger and that last sentence could use some tweaking. Your papers greatest strength is the detail you put in to it, but what held you back is the grammar part and repetition in the 1st body paragraph.
Link To Peer Reviewer's comments: https://docs.google.com/document/d/109aIuqLB1BvilsWtTuA7VbdUVCsJdqHkS--Wbx---oE/edit?hl=en&authkey=CKzr6-8M
I looked at your first draft and i liked your first sentence, which is a question and it really makes the reader want to continue reading. 2. i think your body paragraphs should be more organized and should add a better description of your photo, because nobody really knows what photo your talking about and it should make a connection as to why the person in the photo is a male. 3. the conclusion should sum up more your writing and conclude that the person is a male. 4. overall i think you should organize more your thoughts, give a fully description of your photo, and more description of how the facial hair and watch, etc makes that person masculine.
I reviewed your paper and you should have received an e-mail with a link to a copy of it with my comments. Also if you sign in to Google and go to Google Docs you should see this document.
ReplyDeleteHi, I'm Magaly and I'm reviewing your essay blog.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, the introduction is decent, but i would simplify the thesis statement a bit. Maybe you can just sum up the some of the words as "Fashion Apparel" and then you can go specific in the body paragraphs.
In the first body paragraph, you seem to mention too consistently that "these are ways to identify a man." You state this fact twice in the 1st sentence and so forth throughout that paragraph. Focusing more on describing the picture could have helped. I also think that you should have stated that the guy in the picture was actually Masculine, because not all men are. Some are flamboyant or a little more feminine. By mentioning this, it avoids the question "what about lesbians that dress up like guys?." Good strong point is that you were pretty detailed.
The 2nd body paragraph is a little disorganized in the grammatical sense. It kind of makes it a little difficult for me to understand, but i do understand that you are describing the photograph. This is something i would have put in the 1st body paragraph. i don't really get the comparison in the last sentence.
3rd body paragraph also needs grammatical revision because although i get the gist of what you're saying, it's not quite clear.
The conclusion was pretty strong, but again grammar is key to making it stronger and that last sentence could use some tweaking.
Your papers greatest strength is the detail you put in to it, but what held you back is the grammar part and repetition in the 1st body paragraph.
Link To Peer Reviewer's comments: https://docs.google.com/document/d/109aIuqLB1BvilsWtTuA7VbdUVCsJdqHkS--Wbx---oE/edit?hl=en&authkey=CKzr6-8M
ReplyDeleteI looked at your first draft and i liked your first sentence, which is a question and it really makes the reader want to continue reading.
2. i think your body paragraphs should be more organized and should add a better description of your photo, because nobody really knows what photo your talking about and it should make a connection as to why the person in the photo is a male.
3. the conclusion should sum up more your writing and conclude that the person is a male.
4. overall i think you should organize more your thoughts, give a fully description of your photo, and more description of how the facial hair and watch, etc makes that person masculine.